In my solitude I have had many occasion to be sad and regretful about many, many things. They can be decisions I've made, things I have done, opportunities lost, situations that have arisen or failed out arise with or without my personal agency involved. Obviously, I spend some time cataloging and processing the different ones in the hope of finding some peace, closure or resolution to them, at least the ones I can effect.

A new loss that I have discovered is the domestic life that I had. I live in a house and had a yard to tend. I had/have a dog to walk, now I have visitation. The life I had was no different in description from the life of the average married man, after the kids have grown and left and the nest contains only the couple themselves. Losing this life actually started and was a cause of our eventual dissolution. My wife started buying items for the house along the lines of a new tub insert, new hardware for the bathroom, paint and a bunch of junk that would replace the other junk, but which required installation. So instead of enjoying the peace of it, my home environment became a construction zone. Little by little, all tranquility and the environment in which rejuvenation after a long days work could take place was destroyed. This is what I started coming home to, and facing on every weekend. Or the cost of not facing it, which was just as bad.

But I miss that life of coming home to a house and routine. I needed that to keep me happy and give me strength to do what needs to be done in life. I know this seems like a simple observation of the obvious, but divorcing and the myriad of emotional fibers that left dangling in the aftermath made it difficult to distinguish. For a while I confused this with maybe missing my X, or married life, but getting a divorce was a very good decision and I have no regrets and I have a strong clarity about that. I continue to unwind the knots of my life.