I wake up in a state of apprehension about the day ahead.

This is becoming the routine. As the day progresses, distractions help my mood to brighten. I take a small downturn around 5-7pm. If I have an activity during this period I am able to get through it well enough. In general though, today worked out well, I would give it a 7 on a scale of 1-10. Yesterday was a 6.

I realized today that one factor of what I am dealing with in terms of post divorce baggage, is that my X was negativistic. She is doing better now, but during the bulk of the marriage there was a patter of pessimism and low grade chronic negative ambiance emitting from her. Part personality, but also related to chronic medical conditions. Nevertheless, I catch myself meandering into negative territory, like in a conversation I notice that if I start feeling anxious I will bring up more negatively constructed sentences and topics, and communicate negativity in non-verbal channels of communication and expression also. I think it comes across that I am depressed or unhappy or faking it, but it's a subtle thing. I might as well be whining.

So what I am thinking is that I have internalized some of that negativism and it sometimes feels like I am channeling my X. I have started observing this and I am trying to convey more positivity and have a consistency between my outer expression and inner states. I am carefully managing my thoughts so I don't ruminate uselessly about downer topics, or engage in self-defeating thought patterns. I am trying to keep it real and be honest with myself.