Today was better than yesterday starting out. Not as much self reflective thinking, and better success at diverting it. Obviously, my thoughts tend to go straight to loneliness, it causes, and why I am a loser and deserve it, or more fatalistic thoughts about how that I am how I am, and this is the permanent result.

More functional thinking has been how I do well in social circumstances, surprising even myself . Just being alone at this time in my life is an existential shock. My life has been in relationship, mostly of the dysfunctional variety, characterized by low growth, and just passing day after day without meaning, or finding a meaning that is no longer satisfying. In general, just being busy with the relationship and not growing personally. Now I find myself not afraid, but being extremely challenged just to be by myself and not in a relationship. The thought that alone, I don't have the stamina to cope or the ability to be happy alone, is painful. In my own company, I don't feel the comfort I know in relationship, the security of being.

I see the path ahead as calling for the development and reawakening of dormant skills to build romantic and non romantic relationship as being my growing edge. It's an existential shock because my reality has been comfortable when I am with somebody, and it will be again, but the idea of finding someone else causes anxiety. It's like I am switching worlds, or like someone who gives up their lucrative business career to go on a walkabout. As I give up the past world and try to create my own now, and then to co-create with someone else, will I lose my identity. This is a source of anxiety.

Today I woke up and felt self-conscious and lonely. I began to ruminate about how my life sucked. I took my medication. I started perking up later morning, and by evening was doing well. There were enough distractions to keep my mind from focusing on itself.

Went out for a bite at the local pub and met a very interesting guy close to my age and in my profession. We had a lively and intellectually stimulation conversation about our profession, women and relationships. We even talked about Tuvan throat singing and theology.

This day again teaches me that it is necessary to propel myself out into public situations even when I feel like hibernating. Although I did think about the meaninglessness of things, and the possible lack of total meaning in the universe, I was able to catch myself and divert my thinking in other directions. I have to keep reminding myself that my thinking mind tends to assail my self esteem, further restricting my ability to be happy as I persist in existing.